this is the sign

Today, my life has changed.

All week, I felt lost and alone. I did not understand why nor did I have the mental strength to figure out why.

I questioned my purpose, my belief, my direction. What on earth am I doing on this planet? It’s not to keep up with the latest trend in fashion, it’s not to come up with the next big invention and neither is it to become famous. What the hell is it?

How can I believe in myself? Universe, what am I doing? Where are you bringing me? Spirit, where are you? I can’t feel you anymore. How can I find you? Should I join a church? Is believing in God the answer? Should I look into Buddhism?

So many questions and no answers. Not even one. You can imagine the week I had, walking in one direction while everything passes me in a blur. I was numb. I was doing the same routines, and questioning what the point of all of this was!

I gave up on focusing on this hopelessness and just threw my hands in the air.

Today though, the sign was right in front of me. Spirit, nature, mindfulness, meditation, all engraved in the plethora of words of he was saying. His story, his explanations was just what I was seeking. What is masculinity? Rules are there and they are meant to be broken. Otherwise, how does one connect with the earth? What does a relationship mean?

It was as if (hold on, let me just cover my eyes in disbelief that I met these people) the universe heard me, and I guess it must have, and gave me this. Goosebumps. This is my sign. All my questions and explorations (I really wanted to learn how to meditate and be spiritual) were touched on tonight.

So intense, so deep, as if they felt me from the inside.

From now on, I need to be confident of who I am. Don’t feel stupid, even if what they’re talking about makes no sense to me. Don’t be shy, speak what is on my mind. People do not have preconceptions of me and who I am, was, will be. I am who I want to be and I am what I put out for them to see.. Don’t let the small details take over. Whatever happened, happened. I need to let go of the past. Let go of any anger, jealousy, bitterness I felt towards anyone or any situation. Do not hold on to what drags me down. Be open. Receive. Embrace. Do not be distracted by all the noise that life presents. Cut it out. Focus.

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One thought on “this is the sign

  1. I recently felt the exact same way. It lasted the past year and a half. With a divorce, becoming a single mom, realizing I hated my job and not knowing what direction to go or what I was doing. I have found that sometimes losing yourself is an amazing thing because it gives you the chance to discover who you really are, even if it is a slow process. But once things start to become clear, its such a good feeling.

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