“The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it again every single day. Every day we face the same truth that life is fleeting, that our time here is short…”
Bridge Over Troubled Waters– One Tree Hill
I hate goodbyes. Whether it is over Whatsapp, Skype, emails, in person. Even though you know you’ll talk to or see them again the next day, the time between the last goodbye and the first hi could be anywhere between the next ten minutes or two whole years.
The hardest part though, is saying goodbye to my man. Every single time, no matter if it’s when I go to bed, or when he goes to bed, when he has to drive or when he’s having dinner with his family, I hate saying goodbye. We are currently nine hours apart and it is killing me. Every day I have to drag myself out of bed, reminding myself to be strong and live life, when all I want to do is curl up and weep.
My man visited me in Switzerland for two weeks in May. Needless to say, it was the best two weeks of my life. After six months of not seeing each other, I indulged him every single day for the two weeks that he was here. Sure we had our fights, but that does not compare to the exuberant love that we had for each other. I simply could not get enough of this man.
(click continue reading! This post is 1873 words long but it’s worth it.. ish..)
With him, I am myself. What more is there to say? I can laugh, cry, yell, sing and not feel like I am being judged. With him, I express my feelings more than I ever have. It was hard at first, but a couple days after he arrived, every time I felt like my heart was about to explode with the love I felt for him, I would tell him. Trust me- it literally felt like it was going to explode. We would skip down roads hand-in-hand, roll down the windows and blast music out of the car, take selfies and hug like there’s no tomorrow. We would spend our mornings in bed, slowly waking up with his arm around me, trying to get closer than we already are. After breakfast we would drop back onto bed, curl onto our sides and stare at each other in the eyes until one of us realizes that we have to do something productive before the sun sets. Okay that sounds so sad but HEY when you barely see your boyfriend staring into each other’s eyes is like looking at a pot of gold okay?! Don’t judge!
I was almost getting used to this long distance thing, but when he came to visit me, I fell for him all over again. So when he left me, I shattered. I had a taste of what the best version of my life could be like and it was gone in an instant. The moment I let go of his hand at the train station, I fell into a hole; there is a void in my heart that no one or nothing else can fill (not even alcohol and we all know I’m an alcoholic), except for him and his presence. I’m slowly picking up the pieces- some days are better than others, but when it gets bad, it is bad.
Right now we are on completely different paths and I don’t even know when it will be until I next see him again. We’ve been together for nine months but only 2.5 weeks was spent physically together. He’s going on this training program for two years starting this Sunday, and he will have limited access to the internet. That means no more Skyping for three hours at a time or texting all day- I don’t even know if we can text once a day. What’s worse is that we will be 15 hours apart, so we will barely be able to catch each other when the other is awake. Life is really dealing us a shitty hand of cards. Sometimes I ask myself if all this is worth it; if these random bursts of tears and constant sadness and longing-ness is worth loving someone over. Most of the time I do not think about it, but lately I’ve been questioning myself if I really want to go through this pain.
Overall I am an optimistic person, but I guess when it comes to love, I am pessimistic. It has never worked out for me, so why should I believe this time will be any different? Sometimes I feel like I miss him more than he misses me, that I need him more and I love him more. I feel this when he forgets important events in my life or doesn’t follow up on things that I mentioned a week or even a day before that I haven’t resolved or gotten answers to. Sometimes I feel like I should end this and remain friends for now until after his training. If by then our feelings haven’t changed, then we can pick it up from there.I don’t know. I’m constantly confused about what to do. I’m constantly sad and pissed. But then I don’t like taking the easy way out either and I would rather suffocate myself than regret my unthought-out decisions. And please don’t give me the “two years will fly by” bullshit. I hate it when people say that because it means they are wasting those two years and not living every moment the way they should; instead, they are living it in anticipation for an uncertain future. You’ll never hear me say the words “time just flew by” and neither should you.
A while ago, I asked a friend for advice. He gave me the best advice anyone could give, and that is to go back to the basics. Appreciate the fact that a guy who is light years away from me gives enough shit about me to go into a long distance relationship with me and love me (to that I say- HE should be the one appreciating the fact that I’m willing to do LDR because I swore to myself time and time again that I would never do it again- but then again, I’m a dick).
So that’s what I’m trying to do. To appreciate that somewhere out there, there is this guy who is crazy enough to love all of my insecurities, issues, mood swings, vulgarity, manliness, fatness, etc. Never in a million years would I think that I would be put in this situation- having to do long distance all over again. The last time I did it with someone who was 15 hours apart from me (back in 2007), we broke up two weeks later. It fucking sucks and I loathe it. But for him, I might just be willing to do anything. They say love makes you do crazy things! Who knows, I might find a hot white guy in Singapore and leave this one. Haha just kidding! In all seriousness, you have no idea how it feels to want to share every second of your life with someone until you’ve actually done it. It feels like every pore of my body yearns for his being every day and it kills me that I can’t be next to him, enjoying life with him.
Moral of this post is: don’t give up on things that are actually worth something in your life, no matter how hard it is. Wait it out, take some chances, and then make decisions. All those people out there who are stupid enough to do long distance relationships like my boyfriend and I are- we know that it’ll be worth it in the end, right? Yeah it’s hard and shit, but who ever said life was easy? Never take the easy way out cuz that’s just the pussy move and you’ll never learn anything from it, nor will you ever grow as a person. But if you give zero fucks about your life then go for it. Nobody can stop you.
Here’s just a super long paragraph about the things I miss about him (I actually wrote this post back in June but never posted it til now and I have this paragraph that I spent probably an hour perfecting but don’t know where to put it so here it is!)
I miss the way he kisses me good morning even when I have horrible morning breath. I miss wrapping my arms around him when we are going up the escalator or when he is cooking for me. I miss having him play telephone with my feet.
I miss when he wraps his arms around me and nestles his head into my neck; I miss tiptoeing and putting my arms around him, nestling my head in his neck. I miss going to beautiful places and admiring the work of mother nature with him- I really feel his genuine-ness when he says “God this place is beautiful”- it’s like he’s on the same page as me when it comes to appreciating nature, something that I rarely see people do. I miss having him reach his right hand over, palm up, and locking my fingers with his as he drives; I miss reaching over and grabbing his hand off the steering wheel and placing our hands on my lap. Sometimes after we had our fits of laughter, I catch myself staring at him a fraction of a second longer (which turns into five seconds longer), trying to memorize his different laughs. I would trace the outlines of his eyes, his nose, his lips, his cheeks when he is fast asleep, trying to memorize his features. When we hold hands on a walk, I would catch myself thinking how perfectly our hands fit with each other, how even the infinitesimal space is filled. And I love that he actually holds my hand and doesn’t just leave it there like a limp dick. I miss how perfectly in sync we are when we are together, from cleaning up the dishes to grocery shopping to making decisions (okay maybe he’s better at that than I am). I miss eating good food and drinking fine wine with him, both of us orgasming at how delicious the food is at the same time. I miss opening my mouth and showing him all my chewed food, knowing that I gross him out but he still puts up with it. I miss placing my palm on his face and telling him how much I love him. I miss hugging him from behind. I miss strangling him because I want to bring him closer to me. I miss kissing his lips, cheeks, nose, eyes, head and spreading my germs everywhere on him.
Bottom line is, I miss him and I can’t wait until I can see him again (which better be this winter or I’m OUT. Just kidding).