It takes one moment for the world to crash all around you. One realization, one thought, one event. One change. Panic mode sets in and you don’t know what to do. It’s happening again. You don’t go back to the hole you were in, but you fall into a new one.
You can’t help but question your worth. You can’t shake off the world. Is this worth it? Am I worth it? What got me here?
After a long weekend of studying, lack of sleep, and 3/4 of a bottle of wine, everything just seemed to crumble around me. It’s strange how the soberness after your drunken state is your most conscious state. It’s a strange feeling when you realize you can’t trust again. It’s a strange feeling when you thought you could trust, but really, you can’t.
You associate things with the past. People tell you not to, because the past is the past, but history always seems to repeat itself. At least it does with me. I try to believe it won’t happen again, but things always catch up and prove me wrong.
A broken friendship. A broken relationship. A broken you. A broken me.
It’s so hard to let it go and open your heart again. How can anyone understand the depth of your pain if he or she wasn’t by your side when it happened? How can anyone say ‘I know what you’ve been through’ or ‘I know you’ve been through a lot’ when he/she hasn’t been through it? All you can do is accept their sympathy and pity. But they’ll never understand. They’ll never understand how deep the knife went- sometimes you don’t either until you feel that pain. Sometimes they don’t even ask. They think they know everything because of the snippets you tell them, so they don’t bother to ask. And you don’t bother to tell them. Why would you if they’re not interested?
So you question your worth again. Why don’t they ask? Why don’t they want to listen? Why don’t they want to understand?
And you live with it. You accept the fact that no one will be there for you the way you want them to, but yourself. You can trust no one, but yourself.