This is not a post about being vulnerable

Vulnerability. Something that I have mastered, but yet am ashamed of. Brene Brown says that vulnerability is the core to courage; to being able to tell your story with your whole heart. That’s exactly what I have done with my “A foreign feeling” post, but I feel like it has stripped me more than ever.

Usually there are layers to when you first meet someone. You go through the first impressions, the introductions, the first hangouts, the first texts, the first selfies, the first meals, etc. As you peel back each layer, you learn more about that person in your own pace. But when you have a blog, people fall head first into your life story.

Screen Shot 2014-01-15 at 10.26.07 PM
Just like how ogres are like onions!

Here is the long story short: I was starting a blog post on a table of people who I rarely knew. Someone looks over, finds out that I have a blog, and immediately goes on it. It goes around the table, and before I know it, I have 50 views from Switzerland- the most I’ve ever had from this country (the views went up to 100). I’m ecstatic that my post was able to cultivate this many views, but every time I hear someone- who is not a close friend of mine- mention my blog, my heart sinks. Because this means there are people plunging into that post with no inkling of what got me to this point.

My head is literally spinning at the internal battle I am having. Should I be happy that people are reading my blog or should I be terrified at the judgment that pass between people’s mouths? Should I be proud of my post or should I be ashamed of what I’ve written?

Ironic, isn’t it? The whole point of me starting this blog is to connect with people who may or may not be in my shoes; while they may suppress their feelings, I choose to voice it out in order to reach out to that one person who might need it the most. But when I know that students from my university are reading it? I am filled to the brim with shame. Everything I write comes from the deepest depths of my heart. I choose every word carefully; I write with emotion and meaning, and I do it in the hopes of being able to connect to that someone. And to think that there is a possibility that my writing is ridiculed? That is what tears at my heart the most.

Why is it so much easier to open up to strangers but so hard to face the people around you?

I think this boils down to the feeling of being worthy. What makes you worthy? What about you makes you worthy of connecting with other people? The answer should be everything. But it often isn’t. I could take down the post and that’s that. No more views, no more worries, no more shame, and no more judgment. But that also means that I am ashamed of who I am. That also means that I am not worthy of other people’s views and ultimately, I am not worthy of myself- my writing, my feelings and my vulnerability. These poisonous thoughts will seep into every crack of my soul and devour me. But as I have experienced, nothing good comes out of negative thoughts.

So to hiding, I say no. To vulnerability, I say yes. I am worthy.

IMG_0863

P.S. This is my first post for yeahwrite weekly challenge. If you liked it, click the above badge and vote for it on Thursday (midnight to 10pm U.S. Eastern time)! Thank you for your support!

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “This is not a post about being vulnerable

  1. I know I suddenly feel shy/awkward when I am face-to-face with one of my readers. It is one thing to interact virtually through comments and Tweets, but talking in person, I suddenly get nervous.

    1. That’s so cool that you get a chance to meet with one of your readers, though! I would love to meet someone through WordPress. Everybody on here is so amazing. I feel like I would be okay with meeting them because we all have one common denominator, and that is blogging. I think people who don’t blog don’t understand why we do it, which is why it’s harder for me to share this with the people around me.

      1. I should clarify that these readers are people I know-coworkers, old classmates, and family. Talking to them face-to-face about what I’ve written makes me uncomfortable. I can’t imagine meeting a stranger who reads my blog!

      2. Oh!! Yes! Exactly. Every time one of my friends go “I just read your blog”, I don’t really know how to reply. I mean, I go to university with all these people and I have my close friends, but even then, I feel like they don’t really take my posts seriously, you know? It’s like you’re a different person when you’re blogging compared to how you act in real life. This is why I find sanctuary in the online community because ya’ll what it’s like. :D

  2. The thing about the internet cultures one runs into is that they are untethered by the peer pressure to be polite when sharing opinions. Besides, those who comment — positively or negatively — won’t actually KNOW you. So basing happiness or sadness on comments and responses isn’t worth all that much. Share what you are comfortable sharing — and if you feel like you’ve said too much, there’s always the delete button. :)

    1. Thank you! I’m fortunate enough not to have experienced any negative comments so far. I would also rather have people comment (negative or positive) straight to my face and not behind my back, you know? I’m learning not to let other people’s opinions get to me, but there’s still a way to go. Thanks for dropping by !

  3. Welcome to the grid! And yeah, putting yourself out there, to people you’ll never even see, it’s tough.

    But it’s also been, at least for me, incredibly rewarding. I’ve developed friendships which are as real and tangible as those in my day-to-day life. I’ve learned more about myself as a person and as a writer from the comments and observations and interactions with these people.

    It’s a good thing, this vulnerability.

    1. Hi Dad of the decade! Thanks for your warm welcome.
      I’m hoping to develop great friendships on wordpress- some of ya’ll on here are just so understanding! I need to get this blog out there more so other people can have a chance to comment on it and in return, for me to learn more about how to write.
      But yeah, it is a good thing innit? Can’t say I’m ashamed of it.

What'd you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s