Vulnerability. Something that I have mastered, but yet am ashamed of. Brene Brown says that vulnerability is the core to courage; to being able to tell your story with your whole heart. That’s exactly what I have done with my “A foreign feeling” post, but I feel like it has stripped me more than ever.
Usually there are layers to when you first meet someone. You go through the first impressions, the introductions, the first hangouts, the first texts, the first selfies, the first meals, etc. As you peel back each layer, you learn more about that person in your own pace. But when you have a blog, people fall head first into your life story.
Here is the long story short: I was starting a blog post on a table of people who I rarely knew. Someone looks over, finds out that I have a blog, and immediately goes on it. It goes around the table, and before I know it, I have 50 views from Switzerland- the most I’ve ever had from this country (the views went up to 100). I’m ecstatic that my post was able to cultivate this many views, but every time I hear someone- who is not a close friend of mine- mention my blog, my heart sinks. Because this means there are people plunging into that post with no inkling of what got me to this point.
My head is literally spinning at the internal battle I am having. Should I be happy that people are reading my blog or should I be terrified at the judgment that pass between people’s mouths? Should I be proud of my post or should I be ashamed of what I’ve written?
Ironic, isn’t it? The whole point of me starting this blog is to connect with people who may or may not be in my shoes; while they may suppress their feelings, I choose to voice it out in order to reach out to that one person who might need it the most. But when I know that students from my university are reading it? I am filled to the brim with shame. Everything I write comes from the deepest depths of my heart. I choose every word carefully; I write with emotion and meaning, and I do it in the hopes of being able to connect to that someone. And to think that there is a possibility that my writing is ridiculed? That is what tears at my heart the most.
Why is it so much easier to open up to strangers but so hard to face the people around you?
I think this boils down to the feeling of being worthy. What makes you worthy? What about you makes you worthy of connecting with other people? The answer should be everything. But it often isn’t. I could take down the post and that’s that. No more views, no more worries, no more shame, and no more judgment. But that also means that I am ashamed of who I am. That also means that I am not worthy of other people’s views and ultimately, I am not worthy of myself- my writing, my feelings and my vulnerability. These poisonous thoughts will seep into every crack of my soul and devour me. But as I have experienced, nothing good comes out of negative thoughts.
So to hiding, I say no. To vulnerability, I say yes. I am worthy.
P.S. This is my first post for yeahwrite weekly challenge. If you liked it, click the above badge and vote for it on Thursday (midnight to 10pm U.S. Eastern time)! Thank you for your support!