It is already the third day into the new year and I still have yet to post my recap of 2013. Since my last post, aliens have taken over my brain and have been feasting on whatever I have in my head for a good week. There are times where I felt light-headed or dizzy (they are different), or both at the same time, and was definitely not in the condition to form coherent sentences. But today I feel much, much better, though I’ve still got a nasty cough going (stupid virus), and if I kept this off even longer, then there would be no point in recapping the last year.
2013 was the best year of my life. No question. The first half of the year, I was a lost little soul who didn’t know her place in the world. The second half of the year, I am still a lost little soul who doesn’t know her place in the world, but I know I’m getting there and I am helping myself figure things out.
I wouldn’t have changed a single thing that happened (except maybe going to the barber’s- I miss my long hair!), otherwise if I had the chance to, I would have lived this year all over again.
2013 started off with me dressed up in a maid uniform (I was working in a ski-chalet in Verbier) and serving the owners of essence cosmetics and their children and friends and grandparents and sisters and what-not (thank God I had an amazing team, minus the Chalet manager cuz she was a straight-up, stereotypical, Swiss-French bitch). We watched fireworks as all the rich and famous set them off from their own chalet. Not the most conventional way to spend New Year’s eve/day but it was an experience.
I wrote in my diary all but once, on January 29, 2013, where I was the same miserable bitch I was back in 2012, even though I resolved to stop being a pussy, stop hating Switzerland, stop hating the people around me, and start appreciating life. Tchyeah, like that happened.
So I continued being my pissy but yet up-beat self. February through April, I was applying for internships all over the freaking world. At this point, I didn’t care where I worked, I just wanted a damn job so that I would be eligible for my senior year. There must have been at least 30 emails sent out to various hotels, restaurants, business/health-care firms etc., but sadly, none of them got back to me except for the hotels I actually had contacts in. I also managed to cement the apartment on campus for my senior year and thought my future room mate should have thrown a party for me otherwise none of us would have a place to cook next year (nor would any of us have a social life), but one can dream right? I went to the dentist in Shanghai and got my teeth cleaned out for the first time in what feels like years, because I had no idea it hurt that much! I swear blood was seeping out at every inch of my gums, and when I rinsed my mouth, the water I spat out was all red. Also, I received my Kindle at the end of March! It was the best purchase I ever made.
May, I fought the administration of our university as they cited “academic freedom” for the reason that half the class failed the marketing module. What bullshitters. The reason half of us failed was because we didn’t want to go to class at 8am and listen to a professor speak English in a thick French accent, but we still studied and failed because the teachers held grudges against us. Oh and they also didn’t read our project that was 40% of our grade. Needless to say, I call it a win because the teachers did change our project grades, which prompted a lot of us to pass in the end. May was also when I met and dated the first (and last) black guy. He was the sweetest, really- over whatsapp and Skype. He’d call me baby, angel, sweetcheeks (no he didn’t but that would’ve been cute) and said stupid sappy shit like “you’re my angel sent from heaven”. Two days into seeing him the first time in June, I knew I had to end it. But little weak me didn’t think she would’ve been able to survive on the island without someone by her side. What a sucker.
In July, I got my second wisdom tooth removed. It was really bothering me and I actually got it out the exact same day my friend did (yes she inspired me to do it). This dentist, who is the top 10 in Asia, said that in time, I need to remove my other two wisdom tooth as well; a complete shock to me, since the dentist in Shanghai said the year before that the bottom two don’t need to be moved. I’m complaining because the bottom-right wisdom tooth is growing in at a weird angle and to take that one out, I definitely have to undergo surgery… Also, that tooth is hurting right now… Not a good sign.
I had the bro-est of bro relationship with the tallest ex-ballroom dancer/Russian but New Yorker/sexiest dude I’ve ever met. He is a year younger than me but his knowledge and wisdom on life surpasses his years; he shared so much wisdom with me that I will never forget his words. I also met up with an old high school friend, who I truly believe can be a life-long friend (so sappy). My family was together for the first time in a year and a half, and it was a great feeling. I love them so much.
This was also the month where my life changed. The moment I landed in Singapore, my sister texted me and said “keep next weekend free!” That was when I took the three-day long Courage to Create program and was (as I mentioned a gazillion times before) re-born again, turned into a new leaf, rose from the ashes, (insert all re-born again synonyms here). I know it sounds ridiculous every time I talk about it, because even I get annoyed sometimes when I mention life-coaching in front of my friends, but it is really something that has become a part of me and made me new. This was googleplex times better than therapy or counseling (which was also what I was doing for the last half of the term). I even got to lose my voice and sound like a sexy Sophia Bush.
After all this life-altering experiences, I went back to Seychelles in August and turned back into my old, whimpy self, where the online community got to witness my pathetic-ness and weakness through my blog. I was such a sucker. It’s hard to believe that I would let myself get that low, and then some, just because I didn’t want to be alone on that damn island. Everything with him was meaningless- the times he brought me to the beach (all but two), the times he cooked for me (and we had to fight over it because there were days where he made me cook even though I didn’t want to), the times he took me out to eat (1. we never went out alone- he always brought his fucking best friend and best friend’s wife along because this asshole couldn’t drive, 2. and used my cash to pay), the times we slept together (don’t even get me started), the times he told me I was his everything, the times he came over after a fight, and left because I didn’t want to talk to him- he didn’t even bother to hug me- these would be his words “what? are you not talking to me now? are you really not talking to me? are you talking to me? are you pmsing? okay, fine.” (somebody fucking punch him in the guts please), the times he would tell me to “stop crying, please??” because he obviously can’t handle emotions. He was my disease. He was the only fucking reason I cried a fucking river this summer and went to work with swollen eyes at least once a week, maximum three times a week. I don’t know what got into me, but I was a sick puppy dog needing someone’s attention. I guess that’s what happens when you go somewhere completely new for the first time in your life and you don’t have your shit together. I beat myself up into a pulp, and continued doing that until the end of November. When I found out he got back with his ex, disbelief washed over me. Was I just his little play-thing over the summer? Why the fuck would he get back with her? I was so hurt and angry that I let my weakness take over my again. But after that time, I was done. I will always have the questions that I want to ask him- Do you have a heart? Do you look at yourself in the mirror in the mornings? Have you asked for help? Is every word that comes out of your mouth a lie? I could go on and on, but that pathetic fucker does not deserve any more space-time on my blog. Yeah, worst part is? He never even read my blog. What a great support he was, asshole.
The rest of Seychelles was amazing. Other than the fact that I developed a horrible allergy to the sun and had a disgusting skin-rash-disease type of thing and couldn’t stop scratching. I met many amazing people, got to organize and host the first ever Pink Fashion Show (breast cancer awareness charity show), take pictures for the resort that they actually published on twitter and Facebook, organize a total of five weddings and watch five couples get married, and drive a buggy around the entire resort (this was the best part).
I was relieved when the end of October came around though, and I got to go home to my parents. I don’t care how old you are, going back to your parents is always the best feeling in the world. But this was also when I realized I was a damaged little thing and would close my heart off for the rest of time until I am comfortable with being who I am. Yeah still hasn’t happened yet. I can’t remember anything I did in those two and a half weeks, except for the occasional meet-ups, going to Vietnam and eating lots, twisting my ankle (now I have to wear an aircast for the next couple of months…) and watching a lot of TV/sleeping lots. Life of a recovering addict. That’s what it was.
I did meet someone though. Yeah yeah, I’ve talked about him a gazillion times already and how I am “pushing boundaries” when I’m with him. But dude, finding someone who has watched all 9 seasons of One Tree Hill (and watches Arrow and Walking Dead), who has a minor in music, who actually knows the random songs that I burst into on whatsapp, AND is a U.S. citizen (I want the passport), who can say no to that?? In all serious-ness, this man and I have been through so many ups and downs in the two months we’ve known each other (though I feel like I’ve known him all my life). But he stuck by me the entire time, and when one can deal with me, all my fucked-upness and still want me? Now that’s a keeper. This does not mean my heart is all his, no. I’m still being very careful with it and the walls are still high as hell, but the light is starting to shine through the cracks, so that’s a start.
I appreciated coming back to Switzerland for the first time ever. Three friends and I went grocery shopping (at the Costco of Switzerland) and spent altogether a whopping 1,600+ Swiss francs, which amounts to 1700+ USD. I had to pick up the tab cuz none of them had working credit cards/debit cards (hmm… what does that say…?) I got so drunk and puked all over my room/clothes/extension cords for the first time on red wine, and managed to not remember everything that happened the night before! I call that a success. I went to an Imagine Dragons concert. I went to the gynecologist for the first time at the end of November, and let me tell you, it was a very interesting experience having something else up your vaj. I might have lost my allergy towards dogs after living with two dogs when I was in Berlin, and I already picked out the name for my first gray/black dog. I met someone in Vienna who knows about coaching and felt for the first time since Singapore, that we vibrated on the same frequency. I actually enjoy going to classes. My friends and I had a serious conversation in Prague, one that I would have taken offensively before the summer but now, I understand where he is coming from.
I’ve continued to watch TV shows and ruin my brain, but I’ve also started to read a lot on my Kindle. I still have yet to start searching for jobs, but that’ll come after I recover from this virus that’s in me (yeah I could have made up any excuse here).
In 2014, I’m looking forward to watching Justin Bieber’s new movie, to hear about how much Prince George poops his diapers, getting a job, and hopefully moving to somewhere warm. Oh and also graduating university.
What about y’all? How was your 2013? Did you go on any roller coasters? Cuz if you did, I am super jealous. Did any of you go skydiving? Cuz that would kill me.
P.S. This post was inspired by Aussa Lorens!
P.P.S. Most GIFs from whatshouldwecallmetumblr!
P.P.P.S. And I inspired this post by Whimsicaleclecticist!