“Perhaps the greatest existential bummer of all is entropy. That’s why when we are in love, we are all a little sad. There’s a sadness to the ecstasy. Beautiful things can sometimes make us sad and it’s because what they hint at, is the exception. A vision of something more… That is why love simultaneously fills us with melancholy.”
I cannot stress this enough- Existential Bummer is a must watch.
Yesterday, I made the hardest and scariest, but (hopefully) the best decision of my life. If I thought my past was hard to deal with (and it still is), what I decided to do was nothing compared to that.
I decided to start loving myself. By doing that, I had to let go of someone who was saving me. I swear it was like a movie scene playing out in my head.
Him: “I’ll wait for you. I really want to love you.”
Me: “I do too, but in order to do that, I must love myself first”
Me: “I guess this is goodbye then”
Him: “I love you”
Him: “You don’t have to say anything”
Him: *hangs up*
Cue the tears and the music. As I throw my head face first into the pillow, I pound my fists to the bed and wail with tears strea- okay, YX. This is not a drama. Stop. (But soorta did happen).
After hours of pondering the day before and the day of, I finally decided that I need to start focusing on me. This is something I should have done back in August, when I was stuck in that abusive relationship. But with new territory came uncertainty, and I succumbed to my weakness. Not this time. This time, my insecurities punched me straight in the face and I decided not to duck; I took the punch. I guess the best thing was that when it hit, I recognized it straight away. I immediately began questioning myself- am I not good enough? What is wrong with me? Why is this happening, again? Why can’t I learn my lesson? But instead of exploding by confronting him, I decided to internalize it. I became numb. I was disappointed (mostly at myself). I became nonchalant. To what these feelings were directed towards, I had no idea. Was it to the words he was saying to me? Was it to myself? Was it to..?
I hated this feeling; I felt like I was back in Seychelles, losing myself and my identity all over again, constantly questioning myself. I was suppressed and I was helpless. I didn’t know what to do. But I had to do something, because from that point onwards, when I realized this was happening again, things have already started to change. My world shifted again, and things could never be the same. I had so many thoughts in my head and it was difficult to sift through them alone, so I knew I needed to confide in someone who would help clear my vision. The conversation that took place at 5:20am on a train back to Lausanne was refreshing; it was liberating being able to speak out loud and have someone ask me the right questions. I was still unsure about what decision to make, but at least I had a clear direction. I had to stop this relationship.
I did not want to face this reality. I wanted to take it and stuff it under my mattress. I wanted to forget it. Why would I want to end a relationship with a guy who makes me happy? Why would I want to force all the goodness and amazingness out of my life? But there. There’s the problem. The problem is: this man makes me happy.
“You cannot rely on someone else to make you happy.”
“If you were happy, we would not be having this conversation.”
When I read these texts, tears started to well up in my eyes for two reasons:
1. I am a selfish person. I was only with him because he makes me happy. I was with him because he encourages me, pushes me, and is always without a doubt, there for me. But this is detrimental. Nobody should ever be given the power to make you the best version of yourself, but you. I have to be able to encourage myself, push myself, and be there for myself. It was an unfair position that I unknowingly put him in, and it was so extremely selfish of me. And for that, I am sorry.
2. I am being strong for the first time in my life. I finally learned my lesson and made the life-changing decision to be strong. Although it doesn’t feel like it because all I want to do is crawl back into my hole, I know that things will only go uphill from here; things will get better.
I have an addiction, and that is the addiction for attention (they say the first step towards recovery is to admitting you have a problem, right?) This is the first time I have said it out loud, and I am ashamed of this addiction. It was weird for me to be alone. It is so emotionally and mentally unhealthy that it has damaged my life. The reason that I am not able to maintain relationships is because of this addiction. There were instances in my life where a group of friends said to me: “we can’t be friends with you anymore” or “we like her, but not you”, where someone called me obnoxious in front of the whole class, where people did not want to keep in touch with me; this is because of my addiction. There were things that I did to gain this attention, things that I was unaware of until it backfired. But now I’m going to stop.
My fingers were shaking, my palms were cold and tears were streaming down my face when I typed out what I had to say. I don’t think I did a very good job of explaining myself, but he understood. I was too weak to actually say the words “let’s stop talking for awhile”, but he understood. I was too weak to hang up, but he understood. Last night, I stared at our pictures, listened to his audios and cried my heart out. For the entire day today, I wanted to burst into tears during random intervals- in class, during lunch, at home when chilling with friends; it is only when I was finally alone that I let the pipes burst again. But each time I cried, I felt the weight lift. I feel myself standing straighter. I know it’s hard for you, and believe me it is for me too, but I thank you for understanding and giving me this time to heal. You are an amazing individual and anybody who crosses paths with you will have been touched by an angel. Please never forget that. There are countless of things that I will miss about you, but know that I am always here for you. I am looking forward to the day that I am ready to let you back into my life. Your tree of life will always be with me.
Since May this year, I have been a wanderer; a wanderer who had no destination. But yesterday, I realized that I was lost, and my destination is being able to fully, unconditionally love myself again. Today is when my journey starts again. I need to deal with these insecurities. I need to learn that I will always be good enough for myself. I want to build my confidence, my self-love and my self-assurance. It will not be an easy road and I will have to put myself in uncomfortable situations to do so, but I would rather hurt now, than get hurt later; I would rather give up instant gratification now, than have to deal with it later. I am excited to share my journey with the online community (as I have been for the past four months) and hope that you will share your thoughts as well. I am ready to take on the challenges and start working on loving myself.
And then I can say “I will not go quietly into that good night, but instead rage against the dying of the light.”- Dylan Thomas