It’s been awhile since I’ve written and I feel extremely guilty about it. I’ve had so many things I wanted to post about this past week and a half, but never had the time to myself and the will to do it. But as I learned this summer, if you don’t put your mind to something and do it, and if you just want to scrape by in life, then that is what your life will be- meaningless and uneventful. So here I go.
Being back home has been good for me. Being in the familiar surroundings under the care of my parents, meeting up with friends and even new people has been extremely healing. Belting out at the top of my lungs at home, pigging out in road-side stalls and drinking with great company has felt so normal. I didn’t feel like I was being judged or talked-about (because let’s face it- Seychelles is a gossip-island, and even more so at the resort I worked at). After five months of near-identity loss and an abusive relationship, I finally get to relax; I finally get to be me. I finally get to meet with friends who really know, understand, and appreciate me. And I’ve missed that. I knew that moving and living in an entirely foreign country would be hard, but I had no idea the toll it took on me until I came back. So I’m grateful. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity of going to Seychelles. And while I had a once-in-a-lifetime chance of living on an untouched beautiful island, the time there made me realize just how much the people in my life mattered to me. I am so grateful for my parents who allowed me to come back home and do what I want (basically just laze around all day and not say a thing about it). I am grateful for my high school and university friends who took the time out of their busy schedule to meet up with me so that we can catch each other up on our lives. I am grateful for the city of Shanghai for being so… Shanghai! The efficient subway system, the weirdly-dressed people, the cheap family-mart hot food, the angry taxi drivers… I swear it feels like once I got back, 10 elephants were lifted off my shoulder. I felt so comfortable, and more importantly, I felt comfortable being in my own skin.
Because that’s what half of life is about. It is about being able to feel comfortable in your own skin. I think I’m about 60% there. Before this summer, I never would have even thought about working towards feeling comfortable with myself. But now, I am trying. It gets challenging sometimes, but that’s the best part because that is when you really get to push yourself. Once you have established your comfort zone, then your focus should be on the other half of life- jumping out of your comfort zone. Being in that cage of comfort will benefit nobody, least of all yourself. The whole point of living is to test your boundaries, because that is what they are there for. Your cage is there to shield you from the pain, the unexpected and the vastness of life; but are you really living if you’re sheltered all the time and missing out on opportunities? No, I don’t think so. As painful as it was with what I went through this summer, I would not have changed anything. I took a damn risk with going to Seychelles- I fought to be there. And if by being there meant I got my heart broken, I cried until there were no more tears, I did not know who I was, then hell, I would do it again. That was living. This is living. Even though it might take me years to get back up (because as much as I don’t believe it, I know I will), at least I’ve already been through one of the worst pains that people go through in life. Now, I have learned from my mistakes and I have all the time in the world to heal.
What’s even better is I’ve kept going. I’ve continued to test my boundaries and jump out of my comfort zone. After this relationship, I swore myself off guys. I swore to keep my heart closed and never open it up again until I find someone who shows me that he is worth it. But little did I know that I was going to meet someone. When I met this guy, I wondered- is this fate testing me? Is this fate telling me that the world can work in strange ways and to never lay your future out in front of you unless you are 100% sure of what it will be? Is fate telling me that this is the guy who will heal me? Or is fate testing me, wondering if I will fall for the same shit again? Will my heart be shattered into a million pieces again? Or will it be the whole-est it has ever been? Whatever it is, I refuse to look deeper into it. Because if I do, I know how it’ll turn out. I will push him away (believe me, I’ve tried), condemning myself to ever let him get close to me, or anybody else for that matter. I will stay in my comfort zone, stare out through the bars, and always wonder “what if”. So I threw my hands up in the air and went for it. As much as it scared the hell out of me and as many times as I’ve tried to talk myself out of it, I went for it. At first, I tried to be emotionless. I could not feel the pang in my heart when I kissed him, and I did not feel the warmth flow through my body when I held his hands. I did not let myself. Because I knew if I did, I would fall deeper into the hole. But when he hugs me from behind, kisses my forehead, reaches out to hold my hand, kisses my cheek, tucks my hair behind my ears, and all voluntary without me having to say anything, my heart can’t help but peek through the blinds. It feels like I fell into a deep, deep well this summer, and if I looked up, I could only see a speck of light. I was drowning in the darkness, in the cold, and in my self-pity. Then someone came in. Someone climbed into the well, stood face-to-face with me, looked into my eyes, and willed himself to help me. It is a big risk, but I am taking this moment to believe him, to trust that not all guys out there are bad and to let him into my life. Now who knows where this will take us? Maybe in a month’s time he would have found someone else who needs less healing and less work, and maybe I’ll need even more healing then, but for now, he’s made a promise to help me and I will take that chance. Even if this only lasts for a week (we both live in different parts of the world), at least I know it is possible to heal. So for now, I will believe that fate has me in its best interest and brought this person into my life for a reason. A good one.
All is not lost when you have hit rock bottom. Fate can be kind and bring someone or something your way. What you choose to do with it is up to you. You can take it, let it run its course, and maybe get the best experience out of it. Or, you can leave it and always wonder “what could have been?” I mean, it can’t be all that bad, right? Look at me- I took the chance and I’m still standing. Even when fate handed me shit on a platter, I still took it, milked the shit out of it, had it milk the shit out of me, and still, I’m here. Living life to the fullest as ever and never looking back.
“Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough, just a second we’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again.” Cliche, but true. There will always be that little bit of reason.