Yesterday, my post finally made it to Black Box Warnings.
I remember I stumbled onto it in July when I first started blogging. I read those stories on Black Box Warnings and they really touched me. To see so many people who’ve gone through so much shit in their life and keep going- it is so inspirational. I knew it was a far-fetched dream, but I wanted to be a contributor on that blog one day. That day, I commented on Le Clown’s blog:
When he replied, I was pretty gobsmacked. My face was like :OOOO. I think I edited my post like a gazillion times, and it wasn’t ready until the end of August.
But that was it. When I was contacted by someone to schedule my post for yesterday, I was so happy (Thank God my laptop was still alive then). I was so happy (and also super scared) that I get to share my story (even though it’s really nothing compared to what some of the other people have been through on there), but I am hoping someone somewhere can resonate with my story and help him/her.
–Edit July 13–
Black Box Warnings has been down for awhile now. So here’s the original post:
Losing control. That is my biggest fear. I like to be in control of my world and my actions; I like to be in control of reactions and outcomes.
I am losing control every day. Somewhere along the 21 years and 11 months of my life, I have stopped trusting people. I have stopped putting trust in my friends and I have most definitely stopped trusting the boys; this post will focus on the latter.
I received a text with the words “have to go now, have a nice day”. Now when that comes from a friend, you’d reply with no hesitation, saying “you too!” But my “You too, hun” was after sixty suffocating seconds, where I stared at those words with shock. Shock that this was happening again; shock that I finally managed to push him away. Having somebody who appreciated you for who you are, who always had time for you and would never end a conversation unless it was time to sleep, hearing those eight, every-day spoken words that strangers say to each other, just turned everything impersonal- something that goes against everything we have done together and said to each other for the past couple of months.
This was the moment when I realized my world shifted (oh the joys of conscious living). Even though he might come back with sweet words of nothings or he might not even mean it the way I interpreted it, the damage was done. I have already experienced a minor earthquake in my world; I have experienced yet another confirmation that my trust, wherever I put it, will always be broken. Before the tears came to blur up my vision (I was now quite good at predicting their arrival and delaying it as much as possible), I quickly scribbled down some thoughts. Now that I read these thoughts, they were so raw and honest that I am scared to share them. But what is living if we don’t live for ourselves and accept every emotion and thought that comes into us?
So this is what I wrote: Not being able to commit and when somebody does want you, you back away, hoping they’ll run after you. When they don’t and say things like “have to go, have a nice day”, something tells you the relationship has changed and you’re not the center of their world anymore, something breaks inside of you.
Something did break inside of me. Actually, correction- something continued to break inside of me. It starts with a small crack on the frozen pond; the more you step on it, the more it cracks. Mine just stopped cracking because I stopped stepping on it for two years; but then I went full fledged and now it is almost shattering- I am almost falling into the ice cold water.
For the past two years, I decided to protect my heart. I tried to block every emotion that came my way, out. I was an empty shell walking. But I learn that with protection comes even bigger pain. When you are protecting something, you want to shield it from the horrors and the hurt, the bad and the weak, the damage and the devastation; you want to shield it from the truth. But when you do decide to go and look for the truth and when it is finally revealed? That pain is worse than what you ever tried to shield yourself from.
I thought that when I met him in May, this time, it would be different. This time, he would appreciate me for who I am. This time, he will be patient, understanding kind. He will not make me cry, angry or scared. Oh was I wrong. Little did I know I entered into an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. What’s worse? My insecurity that he’s still got something going on with his ex. This is the worst kind of insecurity. And guess what? I was right. The other night I did something that any insecure girlfriend would do and read his texts (do not judge. I have my reasons). Sure enough, I found the words “sweetie”, “you are beautiful, Anny*”, and something suspicious where she said “I don’t want to see it, I want to feel it”, where his reply was “I know, working on it”. My feelings for when I read this can be written down in a whole other post. So can I say that I was wrong to protect my heart?
But then I realized something after a two-hour talk with my coach. For my whole life, I’ve only wanted people to like me. I’ve only wanted to be liked. Doesn’t matter who they are, as long as they like me, they are my friend.
Pathetic. Fucking pathetic, I told myself. While other people are focusing on applying for jobs, not screwing up at work, finishing their homework, building relationships, I am focusing on getting people to like me. And I will do everything I can for that person to like me. That is so sad.
A sad, but true, revelation. With this revelation came the realization that I need to focus on myself right now. If I can’t even get over the basic need of being liked by others, how can I even like myself? If I can’t even like myself, how can I love myself? And if I can’t even love myself, then who the hell am I? How can I even let others love me for who I am? How can I commit and be labeled as someone’s girlfriend when I don’t even know who I am?
I realize that these emotions, as much as I want to share them with people, will never be understood by anyone but me. I am alone. I will forever be alone with these emotions. A gift because they are unique and I will learn how to deal with them easier in the future. A curse much more because they eat me up. They plant toxic, unhealthy thoughts in my head of all kinds. I used to be angry and suspicious with these thoughts, but now I am just sad. I am sad that I let myself sink to this level; I am sad that I am not able to fully trust anybody anymore. I am sad that I will, in my eyes, never be good enough for anybody.
As much as I tell myself I need to leave him, I can’t. I’m weak. I am not strength- I am weak. And I have lost control. It is worst when I am alone, because that is when I want to cry and scream out the most. The tears are right at the corner of my eyes, relishing at the sense of loss in me, threatening to overflow.
But whom can I blame, but myself? Whose fault is it, but my own? I am the one who chose this. I am the one who cannot trust people. I am the one who is selfish. I am the one who sets myself up for failure. I am the one who chooses to be weak. I am now stuck in this predicament- what do I choose? Comfort and companionship over being alone in a foreign land. What do I choose? For now, I will wear the mask that I have become so comfortable with.