Today will be a free write day because I have a lot of things on my mind I just need to get out.
I had a horrible evening yesterday. Horrible. The horrible evening carried onto this morning, and I gotta do what I do best- write it out.
So this boy in my life is leaving tomorrow morning for good. He is moving to another country and I will most likely never see him again. In a way, I am happy that he will finally be out of my life so that I can be free from the burden of not being myself. But I am also very sad. He was basically all I had for half of the summer, and all I had on this island who showed some kind of interest and care in me. Even though he treated me like shit more than half the time, and even though I cried most of the time when I was with him, he was still my comfort zone. Yeah this was definitely an abusive relationship and I was just too weak to get out of it… I broke up with him a few times, but he just came crawling back and it was hard to say no. There is something about having someone appreciate you in this way, even though they treat you like shit, that will never make you stop wanting them. It eats you up; it takes over your dignity, it takes over your morals, and you become a mold for others. You go against everything you said you wouldn’t do, and you do it; you let them take advantage of you. As much as you don’t want to admit it, they are taking advantage of you. So when I found out he was leaving, I was bummed. I mean, I don’t really know what he is to me anymore, but he still means something. That is until he pulled what he did last night.
Last night would have been our last full night together. I don’t know if it is fate or if we are just not meant to be together, but it seems like every time we make plans that matter, something gets in the way. Like last night- I had a journalist from China who arrived and I wanted to host them for dinner on Sunday, after he left. But these guys just wanted to have dinner last night, which meant I couldn’t spend time with my man. That’s fine, because I knew I was going to see him at night afterwards. I finished at 9pm, and told him that someone is coming to pick me up- can I ask that person to drop me off to where he was? He was on the other side of the island drinking with a few friends. I wanted to spend time with him, but he told me it’s okay, he will call me when he gets back. Then I tell him that I might be asleep already, but I will leave my door unlocked so he can come in.
“But please come, okay?”
I went to bed at 11:30, lying on my tummy, reading and waiting for him. I imagined waking up to him, with his hands propped on my sides for support, slowly lowering himself onto me, trailing kisses down my back. It was the perfect feeling to fall asleep to, knowing that when I woke up next, he would be there. I wake up suddenly at 1:30am. I am alone. I walk to the living room and look out the window (which has a direct view to his apartment) and I see that his house is dark. I text him, no reply. I call him once, twice, no reply. I cry. I look out the window again. His apartment is dark as ever. I cry at the realization that he will not be coming over. I cry at the realization that I will never be able to feel his arms around me again when I sleep at night. (And I am crying right now as I write this in the office- it’s embarrassing). I cry because I am never number one in his books, but always the last. I cry because he is always number one in mine, and never the last. I cry because he broke his promise for the hundredth time. I cry because I am so weak.
“You’re not coming over are you? I knew that when you told me you were with friends, I would not see you tonight. It hurts, V, it really hurts.”
I cry some more, lock the door, and cry again. When I thought there were no more tears, on they come again like waterworks. All the crying finally wore out, and I fell asleep.
The next time I woke up was at 5 am. Then again at 7 am when my alarm rang. I couldn’t get myself to get up, so I slept another hour.
At 8, my alarm rang. I lay in bed, hardly believing what happened last night. Did he really just ditch me for his friends? Did he really fall asleep in someone else’s house, knowing that last night was our last ever night together? Or was he with another girl? I let my thoughts stop there before they went too far. I got up, and got ready. 5 minutes before I left my house, I read my texts and there’s a pathetic “I’m really sorry, understand if you’re mad at me” text from him. Then I think about it again- last night was the last night we would ever have together, and his priority was drinking with his friends. The tears came, again. This time they were silent tears. I put on my sunglasses (even though it wasn’t sunny outside), and walked out the door. As I am walking, tears are silently streaming down my face. I keep thinking about how I will never feel his arms around me again at night. I think about how I will never feel the warmth of his body next to mine. I think about how I will never hold hands with him, hug him or kiss him again. And the tears keep coming.
He came by the office (and when he did, God, did the waterworks come) and tried to talk to me. What do I say to him? What can I say? “Oh it’s okay that you left me to have fun with your friends last night while I waited for you and yearned and cried for you. Yeah sure I’ll tell you what time I finish work so that I can let you disrespect me and have it your way again”? No. So I just ignored him. And he didn’t persist. Guys, you need to know that when girls ignore you, it means that they WANT you to speak to them. They want you to bother them and ask what is wrong, what can they do to make it right. They want you to pester them and they don’t want you to give up. But of course, this guy, can never take a hint.
This is the last straw, and he does not deserve anymore of me. There have been so many times where he told me he’d be home at a certain time, and he failed to keep his word. So many times, I have cried because he doesn’t keep me in the loop. And so many times,I believed his ‘sorry’s’ and ‘It won’t happen again’s’. But he did it again, so many times. I think I’m stupid. I’m stupid for believing the meaningless words that come out of his mouth, and I am stupid to think that he can change. As the title states- actions speak louder than words, and he has never shown me that I matter to him. It was all only words, words that are hollow.
The tears are flowing as I write this. Because as much of an ass as he is to me, it is still very hard for me to let him go. I think the tears won’t stop coming because I do not want to believe that drinking with his friends are more important than spending time with me. I do not want to believe that I am not a priority in his life. Is this self-centered and selfish of me? Is it? I am his girlfriend, (or was- who knows anymore?) so shouldn’t I be number one? I do not want to believe it, but I have to. My eyes are finally dry now, because I think I’ve finally accepted that I will never be his number one, as much as it hurts to admit it.
I guess in a way, this is my silent goodbye to him. I can’t believe I am the one being left behind, because my plan all along was to be the one to leave him behind. But this is where fate comes in again, and I can’t argue with that. I have accepted the fact that I was never, and will never be his priority. I have accepted the fact that I will never spend another night with him again. I have accepted the fact that I am weak, stupid, and naive for thinking he cared about me. I have accepted the fact that I need to change, and that I can never let this happen to me ever again. I can never let a man disrespect me the way he has.
I just want to let all those out there, who think they are alone in an abusive relationship, know that you are not, and that I am here for you.
Edit: I did not anticipate how hard it would be to deal with him when I got back home. He came over twice, once to ask ‘what’s going on?’ and once to pass me spices. Both times after he left, I cried. He just doesn’t understand that I need him to stay, does he? Sometimes I think people care about me way more than they actually do, and then I get let down.
I want him to understand the amount of pain he inflicted on me last night. I want him to feel the pain that I felt when I was crying my eyes out, where I feel like every inch of my insides were being squeezed and burned and charred. Where I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and thrown and stomped on because he never came over.
I’m just glad it’s all over.