Alone, I fight these animals

It has been a long time since I did an act of courage for myself. But I finally did it.

Where do I begin? I’ve had a lot of personal issues since I’ve arrived in Seychelles, but was too scared to share it on my blog. I didn’t want the world to know what I was going through because I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed that, after taking The Courage to Create, I still could not find it in me to love myself and put myself first. I was ashamed that I still wanted to stay in my comfort zone at 21 years-old and not take any risks in life; I was ashamed that I let a guy make me feel this way, powerless and unappreciated.

Then I remembered the whole point of me starting this blog is to show people that they are never alone, even if it means painstakingly opening myself up to the world. This past month, I felt completely alone. I wanted to Google my issues and hoped that somebody went through something similar so I could feel better about myself and pity myself. But nope, that did not happen. Don’t get me wrong though, I do have the most awesome support from my friends over Whatsapp, but a lot of it was mostly talk, and no action (on my side). I was too scared, too timid, to follow the true voice inside my heart. 

So here I go. I want my voice to be heard, because it has been suppressed ever since I got to Seychelles.

It is not easy for me to write this, because it means going back to the place where I felt suppressed and unappreciated. No woman should ever feel this way, especially with a man. Unfortunately, I was a victim to this treatment.

Surprisingly too! I haven’t had an actual boyfriend in… four years? I haven’t had a decent boyfriend since I was 15. So of course, I told myself that if I ever were to get a boyfriend, he will treat me like a fucking princess. I thought I had it. What started as a successful long-distance relationship for one month, where he would tell me words of kindness and appreciation that I haven’t heard in three to four years, turned into a submissive relationship, where I would be afraid of him, gave into his demands, and felt guilty all the time. This was very unusual for me because I am normally a very strong-minded and outspoken woman. But of course, like any other girl who adores her boyfriend, I kept quiet. There were times when I had breakdowns in front of him because I just could not take it anymore, but nothing really changed.

It wasn’t all bad, though. We’ve had so many amazing times, and I know there are so many more to come. He’s been on this island for two years, so he knows all the must-see places and brings me there. He is an excellent cook (I think his food is better than the hotel food), and if it weren’t for him I would be emaciated right now. I love that I can fall asleep in his arms at night- before, it was very hard for me to fall asleep with someone in the same bed even if it were with friends. And now, my body trusts him and feels comfortable enough with him to do so. It is a very rare feat, and I do miss it a lot now that I have moved out.

So I hope you see the predicament that I was in- I adore my boyfriend, yet I felt like a part of me was screaming for freedom when I was with him 24/7. It was hard. It was hard to see me do this to myself. Part of living consciously is noticing everything that goes on in your life, even if you have no power over it, and that is what it felt like for me. I knew I could easily get out of this, if I were strong. But I was like a moth attracted to the flame- as many times as I get burned, I will always go back to the light. Because honestly, at this moment in my life, he is my light.

moth.flame

Things came to a head last week when some of my suspicions were confirmed. It is hard to explain the toll that it takes on a woman’s mind when they see things that were not meant for their eyes. That night, my mind was literally racing at a million miles per hour, beating myself up and telling myself “wow, I can’t believe this is happening again”. I laughed at myself until I cried, and I cried until I laughed; my hands were shaking uncontrollably and I felt like I was going crazy. I have never had an anxiety attack this bad before, and I hope I never have one again.

I knew I had to get out. I had to get out, or else the emotional damage inflicted on me would be far greater than anything I ever experienced and I don’t think I would ever be able to recover from it. So it took me a week, but I slowly gathered my strength and started moving out of his place. I have been living with my boyfriend since I arrived in Seychelles at the beginning of August; if I wanted some of my sanity back, I needed my own space to be myself. This move has definitely not been easy, as I wish every night I could be sleeping in his arms. But I have to be strong and keep to my decision. I still see my man every night for dinner, but I sleep alone.

So there. I did it. I did an act of courage for myself. There are still many obstacles to go through, but at least I am done with the first one.

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One thought on “Alone, I fight these animals

  1. You spoke out loud (in this post) is the 1st step. I might not be able to exactly know what you’ve experienced. But I went to the relationship that I have acted out of my true self as I gave in to his requests based on fear of being a alone for over 2 years. Our togetherness wasn’t bad all the time but I felt like I was emotionally abused most of the time. So when I decided to walk out of the relationship, I felt better. It was hard at first but I think my decision was right for me because i am back to be myself again, older but calmer and maybe wiser. Stronger too. I didn’t tell my friends or family what I have exactly gone through during that time. However, I eventually told them and I believe that helped me see things clearer.

    Hopefully, you will pass your situation in your chosen way.

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