Today I concluded my last session with my coach over Skype. This session hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. This is the end of the support, the coachings, the advice, the understanding, the safe haven; I am now on my own. I have been released from my bird’s nest, and I am now supposed to fly by myself. I am now my own wind beneath my wings. I am now my own sun. I am now my own sky.
I feel like a chapter of my life has closed and that chapter will never be opened again. It will be left behind like my childhood memories, my middle school memories, and my high school memories. It will be left behind like my first kiss, the first time someone held my hand, my first steps. I think this is definitely the hardest thing I’ve had to go through in my life. The body processing, realizations, lack of sleep etc., is nothing compared to the feeling of finality that this is all over.
I know this should be the moment where I soar into the sky without looking back, but I need this moment. I need to feel this pain. I need to feel this sense of loss. I know that I am completely alone on this island when it comes to conscious living. And it sucks. My people are in Singapore. But I need to feel this so that I can learn how to deal with it if the same situation arises in the future. I need to feel the loss because I know I gained so much from this experience.
Oh have I gained. I am now a more disciplined person. I am now more sure of myself. I do not regret my decisions. Instead, bad or good, I embrace each decision. I am now more patient. I understand my emotions more and I understand the reason behind these emotions. I now have the strength to admit and acknowledge all the shit in my life, and with the tools that I have learned through the past two months, I will know how to deal with this shit. Hopefully then, I can really start looking forward.
This is a very confusing post, even for me. On one hand, I am extremely sad that this part of my life has ended. I will really miss my safe haven. On the other hand, my life is just beginning.