Since July 5, I have been changed.
I have yelled and screamed, cried and thrashed, laughed and hugged with more heart and sweat than I have ever before in my life. I have had so many realizations for the past month that I am still trying to process them all.
The best (and worst) part of it all is that I am now living a conscious life. This means that I am aware of everything around me- I appreciate the sky, the trees, the waves more. If something good happens to me, I am more thankful than I was before. If something bad happens to me, I do not push it way; instead, I try to analyze it, seek help, and figure out a solution. There have been so many times though, that my emotions are impacted a lot more when something bad happens to me. What I try to do is let the emotion ride through- if I am sad, I cry. If I am angry, I will lash out. Whatever it is that I need to do at that moment, I will do it. It is really helpful instead of blocking it out. For example, before TCC, I would always feel a block in my chest when I start crying. Afterwards, the block/lump disappeared because I stopped resisting.
Thankfully, I did not go through this journey alone. Before I started this journey, I felt all alone in the world. I felt like I was walking through a crowd of people who were walking the opposite direction of me, and nobody could see me. I felt invisible. I had my bouts of depression in Switzerland, and I kept it all inside. I thought I was alone in the world, and nobody would understand how I feel But on July 5, I realized that I wasn’t.
It was like fate brought us all together. All 11 of us, at some point in our lives, felt lonely. Our first act of courage was to ourselves. Our first act of courage was to gather up our balls and go to the first class. We’ve had so many chances to back out, to give up, but we didn’t. Some even flew in from China and Vietnam because they realize they need to take control of their lives. This was the first time in our lives that we were in control and went out of our comfort zones voluntarily.
These guys are the best. We have seen each other at our worst- physically, mentally and emotionally- but we have been there for each other every step of the way. We understand each other and we vibe on a level that only we understand what it’s like. We all know what it has been like to feel completely alone in the world and we all know what it feels like when we find hope again. We push each other like nobody else can, and we love each other unconditionally. We are friends for life. (If any of you are reading this, which I know you are :P, I miss you so much and love you all!)
Even though August 7 was the last day of class for all of us, it does not mean our journey has ended. Our journey is only beginning. These 5 weeks have been the springboard for the rest of our lives. Let me be the first to tell you that life is not all rainbows and butterflies now. It is actually a lot more of trying to deal with the shit that is going on in my life instead of pushing it aside. It is more about facing things head on instead of turning a cheek when shit hits the fan. It is not easy. In fact, after the initial high, I have had the toughest past two weeks of my life. And it is still going on. I am still trying to figure things out, and I will write about that once I reach some kind of truth.
I did not reach my goal of 4,000 views by August 7. But that’s okay. I know I tried my best, and reaching 1,600 hits in four is pretty good as well. I will still be posting as often as possible even with this screwy internet in Seychelles. Until next time, readers!